Pickles are one of the world’s most popular foods, but sometimes it can be hard to determine which foods will be enhanced by their presence. My culinary genius is as well known as Shakespeare’s ability in fencing, so I thought I’d do everyone a major flavor (aren’t puns grand) and reveal some if it. I know, I know, I’m a gracious and saintlike human. Thanks for reminding me though.
Did you know any food can be pickled? I didn’t before writing this article, which is proof I do at least the slightest bit of research before writing and posting. But in America and other places of less importance, it is a pickled cucumber which we commonly refer to as a “pickle”. Interesting huh? Don’t get all sarcastic, I bet you didn’t know that asshole.
Anyway, without further rambling, here are the top 7 foods which don’t need pickles added to them to be enjoyed fully. In fact, adding pickles to these foods may even detract from their deliciousness. I know what I’m talking about when it comes to food; I used to weigh over 250 pounds and I’m only as tall as Sylvester Stallone.
Clam chowder is a popular dish with many varieties, but at its core, it is a dish comprised of clams, broth, along with typically diced potatoes, onions and celery, and occasionally parsley, carrot, bacon and rudabaker. In some regions, bay leaves are also a staple in this often cream based soup. However, our researchers have yet to find one location in the USA and beyond where pickles are used. We did try it in our lab, and three rabbit’s lost their lives.
Ice Cream Sundae
Like most things in life, people can not agree on the origins of the ice cream sundae. Some folk claim Wisconsin, others Illinois, whilst some bicker about New Orleans and New York, but one thing is for sure, everyone can agree pickles don’t go on them. While toppings for this American delicacy range from nuts to fudge to sprinkles to cookies, candies and beyond, pickles aren’t an accepted treat to adorn atop of an ice cream sundae. Not even in San Francisco. Not pickled cucumbers, not pickled meats or fruits or or other veggies. Nay, a pickled ingredient has yet to be mixed with a sundae, because regardless of how stupid humanity is, they aren’t that stupid.
Here’s a fun fact: Fettuccine Alfredo is a rich person’s version of fettuccine al burro in Italy, which is what the meal is called when cooked at home as opposed to purchased at a restaurant. Maybe that fact wasn’t fun, as now I want to eat both versions in Italy and know more about both. No, I’m not going to watch some documentary about it, I want to taste the difference for myself damn it. This pasta with a cream based cause, often accompanied with chicken or shrimp, is one of my favorite dishes on Earth, yet, the salty sweetness of a pickled cucumber doesn’t bring the dish to new heights, but instead to new lows. As far as green on your fettuccine alfredo/al burro, stick with parsley and other Mediterranean herbs, not pickles.
Ah, orange slices. The preferred snack of soccer mom’s everywhere, at least twenty years ago. I have no idea what happens in the world of youth futbol anymore. The refreshing hydrating and blast of vitamin c make orange slices an intelligent choice, but how does adding pickles affect the taste? We fed them to five kids at the park one day; two puked, one called us some bad words, and two went to cry to their Dad so we bolted out of there.
Anybody who likes to hit the gym knows how important getting enough protein can be. I personally use ISOPure, and I’ll say that without them even paying me; the stuff is that good! Regardless, the worst thing that can happen to someone drinking a protein shake (besides dying or being raped) is having clumps of protein powder that didn’t break up in the water get into your mouth. This is the precise reason why blender ball cups are literally everywhere now. If chunks of nutrient rich protein are disgusting though, imagine how a protein coated pickle would taste unexpectedly in your mouth while attempting to chug. I just threw up thinking about it.
Oatmeal is a bland breakfast option made of hulled oat grains, also called groats, that have been either milled, rolled, or steel-cut. I’m not sure the difference between those three varieties, but I know overpriced breakfast restaurants serve the steel-cut type as if it is some sort of badge of honor. Berries, honey, cinnamon, sugar, salt and bananas are all typical toppings for this health conscious meal, but pickles have yet to catch on in oatmeal. Probably because they don’t mix well at all. In fact, they mix about as well as logic and American politics.
Did you know that apple pie is sometimes served with cheddar cheese on top? Stop lying, no you didn’t. And stop pretending you aren’t disgusted by that either. Despite people in some regions of America ruining a perfectly good dessert with cheddar cheese for no good reason other than they are assholes who know that apple pie deserves ice cream (vanilla) or whipped cream, pickles are not a weapon used to blaspheme the good name of apple pie. If you ever see someone attempting to, stop them immediately. And do the same for those people with the cheese too.
Welp, that’s it. Hope you learned something. It’d be a shame if this was a waste of your time.