Howdy howdy. I’ve been getting a lotta requests on this site, livestudly.com, and Twitter (for whatever reason not IG or tumblr, those users have game apparently) for more individualized pick up advice, and with my love for sociology, I jumped for joy at the chance for a “5 Things to Meet More Girls In ____” series. While I haven’t been everywhere, I have been many a place, and if anything, this will give me an excuse to finally go to North Alabama and pick up women (the accent in that region is to die for!).
#5: Have Social Media Proof of Causing Violence at Sporting Events!
“I don’t like sports!” I can hear you whining now. God you make me sick with your perpetual bitching and crying…but to get on with this list, people from Philly, the shorthanded version of Philadelphia, enjoy sports violence with a fervor that few towns (outside of Cambodia and Siberia) can match. They brawl each other (regardless of gender, race, creed or orientation; the true equality of Philly sports violence is a pure and beautiful thing to behold), they projectile vomit Exorcist style all over eleven year old girls, and Veterans Stadium used to have its own jail and courthouse for unruly fans. Opposing teams have had everything from snowballs to D batteries hurled at them; even Santa Claus has faced the wrath of drunken Philadelphia sports fanatics. To say these people lust for blood is like saying I lust for provel cheese when in Saint Louis.
With vicious abuse being such a beloved Philly tradition, you’re going to want some proof that your rage is as unbridled as anyone else’s. If you can manage a first date at a sporting event, or a group outing with the apple of your eye, you won’t need recorded evidence which can be used against you in a court of law, as you can commit physical harm to others in front of your intended. For those of us having more traditional first dates though, you’re going to need a way to prove you have a propensity towards violence with the intensity of a character in a John Woo movie.
Never fear kiddos, this is easy! Just have a friend of family member film you the next time you are at a sporting event, and be sure to get extra nasty, as the stronger the beatdown you give a random stranger, the stronger the bond between you and your date will be.
BONUS TIP: Pro wrestling is practically considered a real sport in Philly, as the pro wrestling in the city is slightly more violent than the rest of the country (“slightly” is used sarcastically). So, if you want to get rowdy at a pro wrestling show instead of an actual sporting event, that is perfectly acceptable.
#4: Publically Harass People with New York T-shirts On
If you are from Philly, you are supposed to hate people from New York. Don’t ask me why, I’m not from Philly. As Tank Abbott said after a fight one time, “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” , and really, who in their right minds wouldn’t listen to Tank Abbott? I remember what he did to Cabbage and to 3 Count. Bad wrestling jokes that nobody is going to understand aside, why does it matter when it’s so advantageous. It’s not always possible to find a New Yorker, or pro New Yorker on every date, so we here suggest the following ploy:
Find a friend of yours that isn’t apart of your normal circle. A Rickety Cricket, if you would. Just to be safe, we recommend either a wig or a fake beard, but in a pinch you can do without, especially if your relationship goals are closer to lust than love and don’t plan on having the girl around for all that long. A three step plan, all you need to do is the following to succeed:
- You bribe your buddy with drug money and/or beer to go someplace where you and your intended will be out enjoying your date.
- Start yelling obscenities at the guy like you’re a sailor and he’s anti-boat.
- Punch him a few times and run away before cops show up.
Yup, that’s it! If the girl you are with isn’t as wet as a water park after that, you’re super fucking ugly, have really weak punches, are out with a lesbian or you’re out with a secret New Yorker.
BONUS TIP: Use only boxing moves when beating up your friend posing as a New Yorker, as Rocky is about as popular in Philly as Donald Trump is in Tennessee. That’s a bizarre sentence to write; 2018 has yet to disappoint.
#3: Have Tales of the Jersey Shore to Share
People from Philly love the Jersey Shore. The location moreso than the TV show, but both. You see, while the beach offers a new setting for natives of the city of brotherly love, the cheap booze, plentiful gambling and rampant crime brings a sense of trashy familiarity as well. It’s for this reason, that when you do need to leave Philly, it’s a damn shame if it is anywhere except the Jersey Shore.
Of course, trips to this foreign and exotic location can cost a pretty penny, which is why you better be armed with your best Jersey Shore stories on your first date. You need to impress the lady you are out here, to let her know what she isn’t just safe and well taken care of when she is with you, but she is guaranteed to have plenty of exciting Jersey Shore stories herself in the near future. Women need to know that the man they are with offers stability and security; a Philly woman just needs to know she can get her drink on in other places besides Philly every once in a while.
BONUS TIP: If you don’t have any great Jersey Shore stories, just lie!
#2: Buy an Individualized Flask
While bars fill the streets of Philly like 7-11’s in Southern California, sometimes you have to bring the bar to you. Or more accurately, carry it everywhere you go. Flasks, like canes in other parts of the world, can be used as status symbols, displaying that one’s affliction (alcoholism/crippled limb) can be classy. While of course a lame body is never a turn-on (except to those few people who do get turned on by that sort of thing), alcoholism, depending on the region/culture you’re mixed up with, is as sexy as chocolate covered strawberries or tribbing. Luckily for those Irish/French/Native American/Italian/German/Russian amongst you, Philly is one of those areas.
While the ability to handle your alcohol is an obvious prerequisite to satisfying ladies in Philly, an excellent way to let people know you can drink them under the table without drinking them under the table is an individualized flask. (Check out our list of the best sites to purchase customized flasks) Maybe you want something holstered in a cool, black leather. Maybe a goofy meme, or a custom name engraving, or perhaps a flask encrusted in jewels is more your style. Regardless of your specific tastes, find a flask that speaks to your personality, and be sure to let the ladies see you sippin’.
BONUS TIP: Mixing 3/4th’s Popov with 1/4th Modelo is a tasty and delicious treat.
#1: Say “Fuck” Often as Possible
According to analytics of Twitter’s user data, the word “fuck” is uttered more times in Philadelphia than any other part of the United States. Regardless if this impresses you, horrifies you, or you just don’t give a fuck about the info, if you’re going to be impressing ladies in Philly, you better not be afraid to cuss.
In fact, according to some experts, not cussing can make you seem weak to the opposite sex. In a town where manliness attitude and testosterone flow heartily through even the most feminine of ladies, that is something you can’t afford to have happen, unless you like being an incel.
BONUS TIP: The word “yo” originated in Philly as well, so try and work a “yo” and a “fuck” into the first few sentences you speak while meeting pretty women.
Welp, that’s it. Hope this was useful. If it wasn’t, let me know what region you live in and I’ll make one for you.